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What to do with the rest of your bitter failure of a life now you'll never be a footballer

SINCE consciousness first dawned, you were determined to become a professional footballer. You’re shit at football. So what do you do now? 

Become an ultra

You’ll never make the team, but you’re more committed than any mere player or board member could ever be. The intensity of your love borders on criminal: tattoos not just of the club crest but specific goals, a life built around their away games, emotions dictated by their league standing, and only dating women who support Yeovil Town. So single, then.

Play over-competitive five-a-side

Haven’t turned your passion into your job? Then it can be a hobby you take far, far too seriously. Treat your casual park meet-ups with the reverence and rage they deserve. Is everyone on the team committed to coming top of the league in the South Gloucester area, or are you going to have to start f**king screaming?

Be bitter

Vocalising your resentment every time you see a footballer who made it but didn’t deserve to, whether for Chelsea or in non-league, helps remind everyone that you’ll never get over it. Loud sighs, shouted insults, and a tirade of vitriol will be both cleansing and energising, and social media will join you in a community of broken resentment.

Start a podcast

As the adage goes: those who can’t, podcast. You have the knowledge, the passion and the need to prove yourself to wang on about every match, player transfer and manager beef for hours, and there are many out there who’ll listen just to hate you a little bit more than they hate themselves. It’s the therapy nobody involved accepts they need.

Play fantasy football

What could be closer to being an actual football manager than being a pretend manager forcing your whole office to take part in your power fantasy? They’ll all realise how nakedly important this is to you and how little anything in your life – your job, your wife, your children – is in comparison. You won’t win and will cry.

Make your kids play football

Every child needs a little direction from their parents, and living your unfulfilled dreams through them really makes them work for your love. It needs dedication, so restrict all non-football related activities, chat and ambitions until your child is good enough to go pro or old enough to go no-contact.

Get into rugby instead

Switching sporting allegiances is a big life decision and, like converting your garage or telling your wife you preferred her hair before, it’s irreversible. And worth bearing in mind that rugby has its own range of clinically disappointed wannabe pros, they’re big lads, and when they’re shitfaced they get fighty.

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The Pussycat Dolls, and other bands way too old for their names

LATER this year, half an act that rode to fame on the popularity of lap-dancing will play UK arenas. Their combined age will be 137 but they hobble on regardless, as do these: 

Boyzone

Manufactured in 1993 to replace Take That, this Irish boy band featured five young men still emerging, blinking, from puberty. By their 20th anniversary they’ve been married, divorced, had kids, become grandfathers and have bad backs and buggered knees. Rising from a seated position now causes their voices to go up an octave entirely naturally.

The Pussycat Dolls

Stole their name from a celebrity burlesque troupe and now they’re stuck with it, aren’t they? Nicole Scherzinger’s brave break for solo stardom failed and now she’s back with the girls taking their PVC from city to city, trying not to notice their backing dancers being far more limber than they are.

Kid Rock

Actually was a kid when he started out, though as a rapper really should have called himself Kid Rap. Sadly, his career overcame this elementary error and he enjoyed several hits before turning to shit rock and becoming the court jester for the Trump administration. Was saluted by USAF troops in helicopters, in a clue as to where they will stand in the upcoming civil war.

New Kids On The Block

Formed in 1984 by the man forever known as Mark Wahlberg’s brother, they spawned a thousand boybands as it became clear teen girls would scream at anything because they don’t give a f**k. Remember that kid at your school who was acclaimed because he could do a 180 double peg grind on his BMX? Imagine that’s all he’d ever done and he was still doing it.

Boyz II Men

Forty years on, with not long before they transition from Men II Codgers, they harmonise their way around America’s corporate events and Las Vegas residencies. If they had the choice they’d be singing ballads about lawn care, the medications they take each morning and a moving number called No, Son, You May Not Borrow The Car. But they don’t.

Spice Girls

Not currently touring but it’s going to happen, as inevitably as the death of our sun. Baby Spice will be out there appreciating the irony. The audience will be there, wondering what the f**king hell happened to girl power now they’re all post-menopausal.

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