Subscribe

What to do with the rest of your bitter failure of a life now you'll never be a footballer

SINCE consciousness first dawned, you were determined to become a professional footballer. You’re shit at football. So what do you do now? 

Join Mash Premium today

Subscribe to read all articles, ad-free.

Choose a subscription plan

£0 first month

  • One Month for Free
  • £3 per month thereafter
Start Trial Now

£30 / Year

Better value and makes you superior

  • Unlimited ad-free access
  • Save 17% on the monthly price
Buy Now

£200

Live another 6 years and you're ripping us off

  • Pay once - that's it
  • Unlimited ad-free access
Buy Now

The Pussycat Dolls, and other bands way too old for their names

LATER this year, half an act that rode to fame on the popularity of lap-dancing will play UK arenas. Their combined age will be 137 but they hobble on regardless, as do these: 

Join Mash Premium today

Subscribe to read all articles, ad-free.

Choose a subscription plan

£0 first month

  • One Month for Free
  • £3 per month thereafter
Start Trial Now

£30 / Year

Better value and makes you superior

  • Unlimited ad-free access
  • Save 17% on the monthly price
Buy Now

£200

Live another 6 years and you're ripping us off

  • Pay once - that's it
  • Unlimited ad-free access
Buy Now
Next story ›