Alcohol

'Problem' drinker actually finding it quite easy

A MAN who read a newspaper article saying the amount he drinks is a problem has confirmed that he is actually finding it to be very easy.

Have you memorised your Wetherspoons emergency survival plan?

IN THE event of a Covid outbreak in your local 'Spoons, fast and decisive action by punters is required. Here is the chain’s advice to read and commit to memory.

'You must try my homebrew' says twat

A HIPSTER twat who took up home brewing during lockdown is still trying to force his concoctions on everyone he knows.

WHO confirms it's okay to piss in the garden after four drinks

THE World Health Organisation has advised men that as long as they have consumed a minimum of four alcoholic drinks they are fine to urinate in the garden.

Wetherspoons calls for Nightingale pubs

WETHERSPOONS has called for the creation of huge out-of-town warehouse-style pubs to be held in reserve in case of a Covid spike.

Twat about to scan alcohol through a self-checkout

A TWAT in a busy supermarket is about to f**k up everyone’s day by scanning wine through a self-service checkout, it has emerged.

45-year-old gets two-day hangover after looking at pint

A 45-YEAR-OLD man is still bedridden with a steaming hangover 48 hours after glancing at a pint of Stella Artois.

Plan to only drink half the bottle of wine flawed at best

A PLAN to just have a couple of glasses from a lunchtime bottle of wine was flawed in conception best and wholly unachievable in reality, a couple has confirmed.

Nicest person you know would punch you square in the face for a cold pint right now

THE nicest person you know would punch you hard right in the face for a cold pint in a pub right now, it has been confirmed.

Two-mile queue to get pissed on park bench

PEOPLE are queuing for miles for the thrill of getting wasted on a park bench, it has emerged.