Alcohol

WORKING in Britain? Then a ‘swift half’ will be suggested at around noon. What does this really mean, and what will happen next?

LOOKING to get drinks at your busy local, and also a wanker? Follow these tips and you’ll have an irate member of staff pulling your pint in no time.

POPPED out for a pint but realised something feels a bit off? Find out if you are in a pub for dickheads with this guide.

DO you frequently wonder why noisy, unpleasant bars need to be quite so horrific? Here Martin Bishop, owner of shite cocktail bar Lorenzo’s of Stevenage, explains his craft.

ON a night out? Fancy drinking something new and exciting? Do not bother with these elaborate cocktails that are not as good as a pint.

A MAN described as a ‘lightweight’ by his friends is the only one in the group who does not have a f**ked up relationship with alcohol.

THE nation’s drinkers have confirmed that drinking alone is only a lonely business for the first bottle, after which it is f**king fantastic.

PUBLIC figures are always apologising for being anti-Semitic gropers while thoroughly hammered on a Wednesday night. Normal people do not do these things.

CONSUMING alcohol in large quantities can unleash talents you never knew you had. And may possibly want to forget. Skills such as these…

A MAN who drank five pints of lager in the full glare of the sun was bemused to find he still had a raging thirst, it has emerged.