Alcohol

KNACKERED, hungover and miserable after a mammoth drinking session last night? Here are the sober bastards you’d like to wish a very horrible new year.

HEAD hurt, head throb, skull f**king splitting in two being hacked at with rusty axe, nation confirms.

CHRISTMAS has a wonderful range of drinks that are completely acceptable to start drinking from 9.30am. Here are some of the finest.

A FAMILY who opened a bottle of prosecco for Christmas Eve have descended into a raucous night of heavy boozing.

VISITING your parents for Christmas? Chances are you’ll end up in a pub with old schoolmates either in the same boat or who never moved away. Get through it.

FANCY a pleasant night out at the pub? Prepare for it to be marred by bar staff doing annoying shit like this.

A MAN unable to attend his office Christmas party has invoiced his employer for the amount he would have drunk if he had.

ARE you blowing cash on pointless nonsense like alcohol-free gin when you may as well just have a Diet Coke? You’ve probably bought these others too.

WETHERSPOONS has advised the UK that a national network of warm banks is already up and running in your town for a low, low price.

A MAN who followed health guidelines on daily alcohol consumption has declared himself deeply disappointed with the experience.