Pissheads reminded to put clocks forward for beer o'clock

ANYONE wishing to get utterly shitfaced this weekend should not forget to put the clocks forward for beer o’clock, the government has advised.

Man stupidly asks elderly parents to buy wine

A MAN foolishly asked his parents who rarely drink alcohol to buy a bottle of wine after forgetting they would fuck it up.

How to pretend you're drinking in moderation

IF you drink too much it’s vital to convince yourself you just enjoy a harmless regular tipple. Here’s how to delude yourself.

How to survive the dreaded 'hangxiety'

DID you drink so much last night you feel like you’re going to drown in a black swamp of alcohol-induced guilt and shame? Here’s how to get through it.

The five best low-alcohol wines that aren't as good as drinking a bottle of Calpol

EVERYONE knows drinking wine under 11% is a waste of time. Here are five great wines to try, but if there’s a bottle of Calpol knocking around you should probably go for that instead.

How to tackle red wine stains while knowing they'll never, ever come out

TRY these handy methods of getting red wine stains out of your soft furnishings while simultaneously sobbing because you know they won’t work.

Man who's been doing Dry January for four days can't understand why he's still fat

A MAN who has been off the booze since the early hours of 1st January is baffled as to why he is still overweight.

Pubs to trial professional lanes

BRITAIN’S pubs will have a section of the bar reserved for people who know what they are doing this Christmas.

Woman knocking back gin advent calendar at desk every morning

AN office worker with a gin advent calendar is knocking back the contents at 9am every day, colleagues have confirmed.

Woman already using 'It's Christmas' as excuse for being constantly shitfaced

A WOMAN has decided she can be legitimately drunk from now until January by claiming she is simply getting into the festive spirit.