CRITICS say Radio 2 is stuck in a rut, and that’s where we intend to stay. When I take over the breakfast slot, here’s how I’ll be keeping it bland the ‘Foxy Coxy’ way.
More boring songs
Some songs are intrinsically boring, like Shape of You, while others become boring from overfamiliarity, like Rock DJ. I’ll be playing both. Ideally I’d just play one boring song for the entire show, but apparently three solid hours of Holding Back The Years can turn you into a vegetable.
Untaxing chat
On the Teatime Show I’ve asked listeners to tell me about times they’ve regretted not closing a container properly or childhood toys they had. So expect more stimulating chats like that. Listen out for:
● Things you keep in a drawer;
● Lessons you did at school;
● Objects that are roughly circular.
More boring guests
On the Breakfast Show we have guests you don’t strongly object to, but have no interest in listening to either. Looks like James Martin, Jason Manford and Stacey Dooley will be getting calls from their agents!
No references to Scott
A few snarky comments about Scott Mills would liven up the Breakfast Show’s tediously upbeat playlist of Take That, Fairground Attraction and Supergrass, but I’m not allowed to do that. However if you’ve ever sat on some grass, text in and tell me. That should fill ten minutes.
Songs geared to middle-aged activities
All Radio 2 songs are chosen with middle-aged people in mind. I Don’t Want a Lover by Texas is unlikely to raise your blood pressure further during your commute, and you won’t suddenly get Trent Reznor effing and blinding during the school run. It’s a shame there aren’t any songs about mortgages and putting the wheelie bins out, but rock stars don’t seem interested in that. Can’t think why.
More ‘gold’ classics
I don’t mean actual rock and pop classics by The Byrds or The Jam, I mean a parochial selection of MOR tedium that’s less recent than Ed Sheeran: Spandau Ballet, Fleetwood Mac, Bryan Adams. Who wants to listen to Big Love again? You don’t care one way or the other? That’s what we like to hear!
A deep sense of age-related despair
As you’re bombarded with jingles and me prattling on, you may experience a vague feeling of having wasted your life on mindless crap and now it’s all too late. But then you’ll be distracted like one of Pavlov’s dogs by the familiar sound of West End Girls. So everything’s fine. And if you’ve ever been to a pet shop, text in and tell me!
