Health

THE first duty of any son is to care for his elderly father’s prostate. Unless you’re Harry, who is nowhere to be seen when he should be soothing Charles’ inflamed spunk gland.

AS a loyal subject it is your duty to help the Royal Family in any way possible, so touch this picture of a stomach and start praying for Kate. Now.

COUPLES who run, cycle and attend the gym together are scoping out each other’s physical flaws before the inevitable fight to the death.

MOST depressing day of the year? Only if you fall for that nonsense. Stoical father Steve Malley tells you how to get through it by not feeling emotions.

SNACKING is one of the few sources of joy we can look forward to each day. Here health obsessive Lauren Hewitt reveals the best foods to make it miserable.

THE pre-recorded message on a GP’s answerphone has advised anyone who has symptoms of a seasonal cold to put the phone down and piss off.

ATHLETIC gym regulars are savouring the annual spectable of overweight, panting new members pounding on running machines.

AS the new year begins we all turn to the Guardian for advice on coping with the stresses and strains of modern life. Here are their tips to make you feel good, all the time, about everything.

THE hinterland between Christmas and New Year punishes your body and mind in novel ways. These hangovers are why you’ll return to work not remotely refreshed.

A MIDDLE-AGED man has adopted a new skincare routine, despite being so leathery and grizzled that it is too late to make a difference.