Health

A MAN has received a text message from his mother at the midpoint of a furious masturbatory frenzy.

THE people of Britain are planning to throw open their windows and boo the NHS this evening at 8pm, it has been confirmed.

SUFFERING? Girlfriend implying it’s your own fault because you refuse to take the feeble medications she recommends? These are no different to homeopathy.

OUTSIDE the newsagent in the year 2044 lurk two men in their early thirties. They hold up a £40 note and ask you to get them a packet of Silk Cut. Will you?

MORE than 2.8 million Britons are living it up by being too ill to work, instead revelling in long, lazy days untroubled by responsibility. But is there a downside?

A TAXPAYER-funded GP has made the depraved suggestion that a couple trying to conceive a child should have frequent sexual intercourse.

A THERAPIST is helping a client to gradually reach the understanding that all of their problems are there own f**king fault, it has emerged.

THE UK is facing a choice between continuing to eat crisps or living longer, and made its decision before reaching the end of this sentence.