How to argue like a f**king infuriating anti-vaxxer

ARE you belligerently obsessed with anti-vaccine views? Here’s how to bang on about them in the most maddening way possible.

Man reckons if he got periods he'd never mention it

A MAN genuinely believes that if he was bleeding from his genitals once a month every month he would not talk about it.

Right-wing dickheads think you want a lockdown

RIGHT-WING knobheads across the UK have convinced themselves that their political opponents love being locked up in their own homes for months.

If you want any over the next four months cuff up now, Professor Van-Tam advises singles

PROFESSOR Jonathan Van-Tam has advised the UK’s singles that if they want to get any winter action they must cuff up this weekend.

The six secret health benefits of a jolly good wank

DID you grow up being told masturbation was a shameful, dirty, Godless habit? Here are six health-boosting reasons to tug away with gay abandon.

All the things you shouldn't do while you still can

WE can all see what’s coming. Another cancelled Christmas, another January lockdown, all of it. These are the things you shouldn’t do while you can: 

How to prioritise which social interactions really matter to you, by Chris Whitty

WANT to go to the best Christmas gatherings but don’t want to get Omicron? Follow Professor Chris Whitty’s advice when deciding which friends to ditch:

Pay £900 on ViaGoGo: six ways to get a booster appointment

WANT your extra jab of anti-Covid juice? So does everyone else. Here’s how to secure your immunity.

'It's beginning to look a lot like lockdown' and other rewritten seasonal classics

‘PUBS are closing all around us, NHS is struggling, country walks our only recreation, happy lockdown everyone.’ And other festive favourites rewritten...

All eligible adults to throw a tantrum at booster website by the end of the month

EVERYONE over 18 has been invited to angrily go round in circles on the NHS website before 2022, it has been confirmed.