Planking and four other exercises you'll give up in a week

WANT to briefly kid yourself that you’re trying to get in shape? Here are five exercises you won’t be arsed with for more than a week.

'Heavy flow' and four other phrases to make your dad leave the room

NEED to get your elderly father out of your immediate vicinity? Try out these phrases and watch him instantly remember something he needed from the kitchen.

Covid rules probably end this weekend pretty much, Britain agrees

THE UK has agreed that since it is almost April, the sun is out and the Welsh can get haircuts then it must be legal to do stuff again.

How to strut around the supermarket like you f**king own the place

WANT to celebrate a year of lockdown by strutting down the Asda aisles like John Travolta doing a Liam Gallagher impression?

Get drunk in front of the telly: five ways to mark a year of lockdown

ONE year to the day since the government locked down the UK, here’s how to mark the occasion without lifting a finger.

Germy bastard kids off sick already

CHILDREN who have only been back at school for two f**king weeks are already off sick, their parents have confirmed.

47-year-old woman still terrified her mum will find out she smokes

A GROWN woman in her late 40s is scared stiff that her mother will find out she smokes.

'Good luck' everyone aged between 0 and 49 told

BRITONS aged below 50 have been wished the best of luck in dealing with a virus they will not be vaccinated against for f**king ages.

A Boots meal deal: Five things NHS nurses can buy with an extra £3.50 a week

UNDER a proposed 1% pay rise, experienced NHS nurses could pocket a whopping £3.50 every single week. Here’s what they could blow their massive windfall on.

Young people should only get vaccine if they've bought a house, say boomers

WELL-OFF baby boomers have agreed that Covid vaccinations should be restricted to property owners, to incentivise the young.