Health

A MOTHER has decided that her son’s 25th birthday should be marked with anecdotes about perineal tears and a pelvic floor ‘that never recovered’.

THE first duty of any son is to care for his elderly father’s prostate. Unless you’re Harry, who is nowhere to be seen when he should be soothing Charles’ inflamed spunk gland.

AS a loyal subject it is your duty to help the Royal Family in any way possible, so touch this picture of a stomach and start praying for Kate. Now.

COUPLES who run, cycle and attend the gym together are scoping out each other’s physical flaws before the inevitable fight to the death.

MOST depressing day of the year? Only if you fall for that nonsense. Stoical father Steve Malley tells you how to get through it by not feeling emotions.

SNACKING is one of the few sources of joy we can look forward to each day. Here health obsessive Lauren Hewitt reveals the best foods to make it miserable.

THE pre-recorded message on a GP’s answerphone has advised anyone who has symptoms of a seasonal cold to put the phone down and piss off.

ATHLETIC gym regulars are savouring the annual spectable of overweight, panting new members pounding on running machines.