Health

How to pretend to be over 75 and get vaccinated

ONLY a morally bankrupt, heartless swine would try to jump the queue and get vaccinated early. Here’s how to do it.

The new Covid strains: a stoner reviews how high they get you

HEAVY weed smoker Jordan Gardner has forgotten more about cannabis than you’ll ever know, and he’s moved on to Covid. This is his verdict on the latest strains.

Running or cycling: how are you going to annoy people this year?

PLANNING to get fit in 2021? Take our quiz to find out which type of exercise arsehole you should be.

Is the third wave all your fault? Take our quiz

THE prime minister has heavily hinted that the third wave of Covid infections was caused by the British public, because it cannot be his fault. Are you guilty? Find out:

How to exercise through a cold, dark, horrible winter lockdown

TAKING up running isn’t so attractive when it’s pissing with rain and freezing, but you’ve never been this fat. So how can you emerge from lockdown healthy?

Lockdown to give government vital time to find excuses for next lockdown

A NEW national lockdown is necessary to buy time to create a bold new set of excuses for the lockdown after that, the government has admitted.

This shit again

ALL this lockdown bullshit is happening again exactly like the f**king last time, Britain has wearily confirmed.

Schools opened for that crucial infection-spreading few days

SCHOOLS in England are to remain open for a crucial few days to enable fast and efficient Covid transmission, the government has confirmed.

Woman only sees GP if internet self-diagnosis is serious

A WOMAN only bothers her GP when the symptoms she has Googled are life-threatening, she has confirmed.

The Government Guide to Christmas 2020

HELLO, we’re the government and this is what you should be doing over Christmas 2020.