Health

Hospital beds, and other places where you could once happily spark up a fag

SMOKING will soon be banned outside hospitals when within living memory it was every Englishman’s right to have an NHS ashtray. And it was fine in all these locations.

I have my own plan for slimming down the fat unemployed, and it's needlessly sadistic

THEY are too fat and they are too lazy. Something has to be done. But before we waste Ozempic on them, what about trying my vicious, twisted ideas?

Living in England its own form of assisted dying

EXISTING on this godforsaken island is a form of assisted dying in its own way, it has emerged.

Three tampons should cover it: The clueless boyfriend's guide to menstruation

BOYFRIENDS are often mocked for not understanding periods, but really it’s no more complicated than looking after a hamster. Follow this advice and your partner will be fine. 

Woman has light, painless periods because of her innate moral superiority

A WOMAN experiences hardly any of the debilitating effects of menstruation because of her natural goodness.

No, 65-year-old trainspotter will not be identifying as 'neurospicy'

A RETIRED computer technician with an extensive self-shot collection of locomotive videos is not about to describe himself as ‘neurospicy’.

Fitness freak friend plagued by unimaginable darkness

A MAN obsessed with the gym, weight-lifting and fitness is only trying to keep away terrors you could not begin to imagine, it has emerged.

Sabrina Carpenter assesses whether that rash is anything to be concerned about

Sabrina Carpenter is the hottest thing in pop, but also a keen amateur expert on minor conditions like ear wax, halitosis and athlete's foot. This week she has a look at that nasty rash for you.

Your back-to-school essentials, by a dodgy male PE teacher of the 80s

WITH a new term underway, your kids need to be fully supplied or get detention, explains leering 1980s PE teacher Tom Logan. Make sure they’ve got all these.