Health

We will vaccinate our hamsters before we give spare vaccines to you, Hancock tells EU

THE health secretary has told the EU that British cats, dogs and hamsters will get the vaccine before they consider shipping spares across the channel. 

Ten months in the life of a lockdown sceptic

SINCE last March, Denys Finch Hatton has been warning that lockdowns never, ever work. This is his last ten months.

Become your WhatsApp group's resident Covid denier in six easy steps

BORED of coronavirus and endless lockdowns? Why not convince yourself and anyone unlucky enough to be in your WhatsApp group it’s a hoax?

Man comes to disturbing realisation that he enjoys running

A MAN is afraid of what he might become after going out on a run and enjoying it.

Government to reward catching Covid with fabulous cash prize

ANYONE who catches Covid is to be rewarded for their efforts with £500, cash in hand, no questions asked, to spend on whatever they want. 

How to be a badass while self-isolating, by Matt Hancock

YO. Matt here. You may have noticed I consider myself pretty damn cool. So after my Covid scare, here’s how I’m self-isolating with ATTITUDE. Party on, dudes!

Jabs Army, and the other ways the pandemic has become a World War Two nostalgia wank

IT wouldn’t be a national emergency if Britain didn’t get misty-eyed about World War Two. Here’s how we’re shoehorning memories of clobbering Hitler into 2021.

How to stay warm when you can’t afford to put the heating on: Rishi Sunak explains

AS resident of a five-bedroom townhouse in London and a Georgian mansion in Yorkshire, heating bills are the bane of my life. Here are tips on staying warm when the Aga’s broken.

Travel rule exemption announced for middle-class families driving to National Trusts

MIDDLE class families visiting National Trust parks and woodland for their daily exercise are to be exempt from lockdown rules because it is deemed 'essential travel'.

Estate agents: The unsung frontline heroes of the pandemic

THERE’S been much talk about the heroism of NHS workers during the pandemic. But why is there no clapping for those other brave frontline workers, estate agents?