Health

Want to feel old? Here's what you look like now

CURIOUS to see what the relentless passage of time looks like? Pick up a mirror and pay attention...

We’ll all have a great 2021, and the other dumbshit things you believed this time last year

REMEMBER how idiotically optimistic you were a fortnight into this shitstorm, 12 months ago? Remember how unthinkingly you believed these laughable delusions?

Ramming swabs up our noses twice a week wasn't on the f**king roadmap, says Britain

A CONFUSED public is pretty sure sticking a six-inch swab up their nose twice a week was not originally included in Boris Johnson’s roadmap.

16 places you'll be allowed to go with a vaccine passport

BORIS Johnson has denied any decision has been made on vaccine passports, which means they are a nailed-on certainty. But where will they allow you to go? 

That's Covid over forever then, says f**kwit

A F**KWIT believes that the first hesitant steps of easing Covid restrictions today means the virus is gone for good.

Planking and four other exercises you'll give up in a week

WANT to briefly kid yourself that you’re trying to get in shape? Here are five exercises you won’t be arsed with for more than a week.

'Heavy flow' and four other phrases to make your dad leave the room

NEED to get your elderly father out of your immediate vicinity? Try out these phrases and watch him instantly remember something he needed from the kitchen.

Covid rules probably end this weekend pretty much, Britain agrees

THE UK has agreed that since it is almost April, the sun is out and the Welsh can get haircuts then it must be legal to do stuff again.

How to strut around the supermarket like you f**king own the place

WANT to celebrate a year of lockdown by strutting down the Asda aisles like John Travolta doing a Liam Gallagher impression?

Get drunk in front of the telly: five ways to mark a year of lockdown

ONE year to the day since the government locked down the UK, here’s how to mark the occasion without lifting a finger.