Health

A COMPLETE bastard is still comfortably fitting into the clothes he wore before he stuffed his face during Christmas, it has been confirmed.

THE ambulance strike has forced a man to make the difficult decision to wait a day before getting so pissed he needs his stomach pumped.

ILL? Cursing fate while baffled as to where it could possibly have come from? Knowingly overlooking these painfully clear infection vectors?

TODAY sees nurses hold the biggest strike in NHS history, meaning you should probably play it safe and avoid these activities.

HAVE you come down with some cold weather lurgy, probably a cold or flu? It’s 100 per cent guaranteed that friends and family will have a plentiful supply of bollocks to make you feel worse.

DO you worry about having to deal with an emergency during the ambulance strike later this month? Luckily films and TV contain all the medical advice you need.

A MAN in his 40s has found he now needs to limber up with some gentle exercise before bed to avoid strains and injuries.

THE NHS is so good under the Tories that people can’t wait to go into hospital. That means there might be a wait for a ride in an ambulance. Here are some fun ways to fill the time.

SO nurses are going on strike. Well so am I. While they’re being leftie troublemakers I won’t be fantasising about their tight, sexy uniforms with stockings and suspenders underneath.

THE British have decided that if the cost of preventing the complete collapse of the NHS is a load of foreigners coming over, we should just bin it.