'Can I still go to raves, travel abroad, and hook up with strangers?' asks f**kwit

AN utterly clueless f**kwit has asked a series of moronic questions about how they can behave under England lockdown.

Five shit things Britons do every bloody lockdown

STOCKPILING toilet paper is now a biannual tradition, and it’s just the start of our reliable lockdown idiocy.

Overweight pisshead placing a lot of faith in multivitamin tablet

A MAN has begun taking a daily multivitamin tablet in the optimistic hope that it will compensate for a lifetime of strong lager and lamb rogan josh.

Yorkshire and Lancashire having pointless Tier 3 rivalry

PEOPLE from Yorkshire and Lancashire are demanding their Covid restrictions are tougher than those in their rival county.

Man is tier 3 in week but tier 1 on weekends

A MAN has explained that during the week he lives a locked-down tier 3 lifestyle but at the weekends he treats himself to living like a tier 1.

'Can I have sex with my neighbour's cat?': Your Tier 3 questions answered

AS millions of Britons prepare for Tier 3 lockdown, are you still confused about what you’re allowed to do? Here are all your questions answered.

Backs just hurt, thirtysomethings told

BACKS just hurt, people in their 30s have been told.

People who post gym selfies to receive vaccine last

PEOPLE who brag about meeting their 'fitness goals' are to be punished by receiving the Covid-19 vaccine last.

Drink overpriced pints at home: the London Tier 2 rules in full

AS the most important part of the UK moves into Tier 2, Londoners will face uniquely metropolitan restrictions. And because they affect the capital the whole country has to hear about them.

How are you being a dick about the new restrictions already?

IS your natural instinct to treat the three-tier lockdown as a load of bollocks that doesn’t apply to you? Here are some great ways to be a dick.