Brexiteer smugness emerges as vaccine side-effect

A PUBLIC health warning has been issued after Covid vaccines were linked to fast-spreading outbreaks of Brexiter schadenfreude.

'That's where they'll be shackled': Priti Patel's tour of a quarantine hotel

WITH mandatory quarantine being introduced for incoming travellers, home secretary Priti Patel offers an exclusive tour of one of the new quarantine hotels.

Cold water swimming latest health trend people need to shut up about

SWIMMING in cold water during the winter months is the latest wellness fad that people are sick of f**king hearing about.

We will vaccinate our hamsters before we give spare vaccines to you, Hancock tells EU

THE health secretary has told the EU that British cats, dogs and hamsters will get the vaccine before they consider shipping spares across the channel. 

Ten months in the life of a lockdown sceptic

SINCE last March, Denys Finch Hatton has been warning that lockdowns never, ever work. This is his last ten months.

Become your WhatsApp group's resident Covid denier in six easy steps

BORED of coronavirus and endless lockdowns? Why not convince yourself and anyone unlucky enough to be in your WhatsApp group it’s a hoax?

Man comes to disturbing realisation that he enjoys running

A MAN is afraid of what he might become after going out on a run and enjoying it.

Government to reward catching Covid with fabulous cash prize

ANYONE who catches Covid is to be rewarded for their efforts with £500, cash in hand, no questions asked, to spend on whatever they want. 

How to be a badass while self-isolating, by Matt Hancock

YO. Matt here. You may have noticed I consider myself pretty damn cool. So after my Covid scare, here’s how I’m self-isolating with ATTITUDE. Party on, dudes!

Jabs Army, and the other ways the pandemic has become a World War Two nostalgia wank

IT wouldn’t be a national emergency if Britain didn’t get misty-eyed about World War Two. Here’s how we’re shoehorning memories of clobbering Hitler into 2021.