Health

SAJID Javid here, veteran of many cabinets. I’ve stepped forward as the f**khead suggesting you pay £20 to see your GP. Here’s how the profitable Tory NHS will work.

FITBITS? Couch to 5K apps? Bollocks to that. Get in shape the 1970s way through everyday hardship for f**k-all reward.

A NURSE has admitted that she has plenty of money to buy groceries but loves the vibe down at the food bank so visits three times a week.

ARE you just so worried about the state of the NHS you’re considering the unthinkable, like privatising it? Here’s how to show it.

A BORING bastard is finding not drinking or eating animal products for a month exceptionally easy because of his personal qualities.

IGNORE my millions everyone, because I’m just like you guys and definitely use the NHS all the time. Here’s my step-by-step guide to getting a GP appointment.

A LACK of ambulance drivers sounds bad, but have you considered these upsides of being dead? Here health secretary Steve Barclay lists the positives.

A MAN is sailing through January because he has decided to eat and drink whatever takes his fancy, it has emerged.

NEW Year is the time when tedious bastards decide they want to improve themselves. Here’s how to f**k it up for them.

DOES the mere suggestion that wearing a mask might stop the spread of illness send you into apoplectic paranoid fury, or are you normal? Take our quiz.