The Tory backbencher's batshit plan for ending lockdown right now

TORY MPs have written to the PM demanding a swift end to lockdown. Here weird backbencher Denys Finch Hatton explains how we should be throwing caution to the wind.

I drink fewer than 14 units of alcohol a week, and other lies you tell your GP

DOCTORS ask a lot of difficult questions that make you feel like a chubby, ailing waster. Here’s how to lie your way to health.

How NHS reforms will work, by the mates Matt Hancock is selling it off to

RESTRUCTURING the NHS is a vast, intricate project that only Matt Hancock’s mates on WhatsApp are capable of pulling off. Here they reveal their plans.

Bristol Covid variant moonlights as shit DJ, scientists confirm

A MUTATION of Covid-19 from Bristol has a second job playing records badly during the evening and at weekends, it has been confirmed.

Can you get a jab before you get Covid? An interactive fantasy for all ages

GREETINGS, brave adventurer! Can you succeed in our most challenging interactive fantasy yet – getting vaccinated before you’re exposed to Covid?

Professor Jonathan Van-Tam's elaborate summer holiday guide

GOOD day. I regret that anyone planning an elaborate summer holiday, intricate and impenetrable as the Gordian knot, should cancel it. Let me explain what’s advisable.

How to weigh yourself then take your bathroom scales to a remote forest and bury them where they will never be found

STEPPED on the bathroom scales, then managed to glimpse their evil numbers over your gut? Here’s what to do next.

Six things more painful than childbirth, by a man

IT'S easy to scream about the agony of pushing a human through a small orifice, but according to lifelong man Tom Logan it’s nothing compared to what men suffer. He explains:

Sunak worried country with 9,000 dying per week putting too much emphasis on the science

THE chancellor is concerned that Britain, where 9,000 lives are lost to Covid each week, is foolishly delaying economic recovery by concentrating on the virus. 

Five f**king obvious things I never could have predicted, by Dido Harding

NO one was able to predict that the Covid virus would mutate, apart from epidemiologists and primary school children. Here are some other blatantly obvious things I cannot predict.