Health

Bristol Covid variant moonlights as shit DJ, scientists confirm

A MUTATION of Covid-19 from Bristol has a second job playing records badly during the evening and at weekends, it has been confirmed.

Can you get a jab before you get Covid? An interactive fantasy for all ages

GREETINGS, brave adventurer! Can you succeed in our most challenging interactive fantasy yet – getting vaccinated before you’re exposed to Covid?

Professor Jonathan Van-Tam's elaborate summer holiday guide

GOOD day. I regret that anyone planning an elaborate summer holiday, intricate and impenetrable as the Gordian knot, should cancel it. Let me explain what’s advisable.

How to weigh yourself then take your bathroom scales to a remote forest and bury them where they will never be found

STEPPED on the bathroom scales, then managed to glimpse their evil numbers over your gut? Here’s what to do next.

Six things more painful than childbirth, by a man

IT'S easy to scream about the agony of pushing a human through a small orifice, but according to lifelong man Tom Logan it’s nothing compared to what men suffer. He explains:

Sunak worried country with 9,000 dying per week putting too much emphasis on the science

THE chancellor is concerned that Britain, where 9,000 lives are lost to Covid each week, is foolishly delaying economic recovery by concentrating on the virus. 

Five f**king obvious things I never could have predicted, by Dido Harding

NO one was able to predict that the Covid virus would mutate, apart from epidemiologists and primary school children. Here are some other blatantly obvious things I cannot predict.

Brexiteer smugness emerges as vaccine side-effect

A PUBLIC health warning has been issued after Covid vaccines were linked to fast-spreading outbreaks of Brexiter schadenfreude.

'That's where they'll be shackled': Priti Patel's tour of a quarantine hotel

WITH mandatory quarantine being introduced for incoming travellers, home secretary Priti Patel offers an exclusive tour of one of the new quarantine hotels.

Cold water swimming latest health trend people need to shut up about

SWIMMING in cold water during the winter months is the latest wellness fad that people are sick of f**king hearing about.