The six secret health benefits of a jolly good wank

DID you grow up being told masturbation was a shameful, dirty, Godless habit? Here are six health-boosting reasons to tug away with gay abandon.

All the things you shouldn't do while you still can

WE can all see what’s coming. Another cancelled Christmas, another January lockdown, all of it. These are the things you shouldn’t do while you can: 

How to prioritise which social interactions really matter to you, by Chris Whitty

WANT to go to the best Christmas gatherings but don’t want to get Omicron? Follow Professor Chris Whitty’s advice when deciding which friends to ditch:

Pay £900 on ViaGoGo: six ways to get a booster appointment

WANT your extra jab of anti-Covid juice? So does everyone else. Here’s how to secure your immunity.

'It's beginning to look a lot like lockdown' and other rewritten seasonal classics

‘PUBS are closing all around us, NHS is struggling, country walks our only recreation, happy lockdown everyone.’ And other festive favourites rewritten...

All eligible adults to throw a tantrum at booster website by the end of the month

EVERYONE over 18 has been invited to angrily go round in circles on the NHS website before 2022, it has been confirmed.

Woman seriously worried we're heading towards the return of one-way systems in shops

THE introduction of Plan B restrictions has left a woman terrified that little arrows could return to the floors of shops and supermarkets.

Travellers to UK to be quarantined until they can explain f**king why?

TRAVELLERS voluntarily arriving in the rain-lashed hellhole of Britain are to be quarantined until they explain what possessed them.

Bastard getting hotter with age

A TOTAL scumbag is defying the ageing process by getting more attractive as the years pass by, it has emerged.

Twat refusing to wear a mask on bus thinks he's Rosa Parks or something

A MAN refusing to wear a mask on a bus believes he is part of a long line of important political activists rather than an annoying prick.