Germy bastard kids off sick already

CHILDREN who have only been back at school for two f**king weeks are already off sick, their parents have confirmed.

47-year-old woman still terrified her mum will find out she smokes

A GROWN woman in her late 40s is scared stiff that her mother will find out she smokes.

'Good luck' everyone aged between 0 and 49 told

BRITONS aged below 50 have been wished the best of luck in dealing with a virus they will not be vaccinated against for f**king ages.

A Boots meal deal: Five things NHS nurses can buy with an extra £3.50 a week

UNDER a proposed 1% pay rise, experienced NHS nurses could pocket a whopping £3.50 every single week. Here’s what they could blow their massive windfall on.

Young people should only get vaccine if they've bought a house, say boomers

WELL-OFF baby boomers have agreed that Covid vaccinations should be restricted to property owners, to incentivise the young.

Test-and-trace overwhelmed by six cases

THE UK’s £22bn test and trace service has admitted there is no way it can possibly track six cases of the Brazilian coronavirus variant.

Which lockdown habit will you find hardest to quit?

WINTER is behind us and the end of lockdown is apparently in sight. But which of your new mole-person habits will you struggle to leave behind?

Queen finally realises she is ruler of a country of twats

THE Queen has finally realised that she is the head of state of a country of selfish, credulous dickheads. 

Man who doesn't want vaccine also doesn't want his dose given to immigrants

A MAN who says he will not be forced into being vaccinated is furious that his spare dose might be given to someone in a migrant centre.

Gyms opening later than pubs as punishment for twats

THE decision to open pubs earlier than gyms is because all the fitness dickheads needed a time out, SAGE has confirmed.