Lifestyle

'Spill the tea', and other internet phrases you sound a twat using in real life

THE gifts of the internet are many: email, wide access to troubling pornography and something to do on buses. But these phrases are not to be employed offline.

'No balloon trip this safari': six unbearable privations families with private school kids must suffer

ETON is charging an extra 20 per cent and the rest of the country’s exclusive twat farms have followed, forcing the well-heeled to forgo these basic needs...

Man who got first round in will stay for five pints out of sheer pettiness

A MAN who grudgingly bought a round will stay out and drink more than he wanted to purely to make his money back, he has confirmed.

Drive a big digger: the childish items on every man's bucket list

EVERY man has a bucket list of achievements he dreamed of as a boy before bowing to societal pressure and pretending he meant a threesome. These are his true wants.

Gay man shatters stereotypes by being boring, unfunny and badly-dressed

A GROUND-BREAKING gay man is breaking the mould of well-dressed, hilarious and fascinating gay guys by being absolutely none of those things.

Adult bellend still says 'on a school night'

A GROWN man thinks it is cute for him to refer to weekday evening as ‘school nights’, it has emerged.

Astrology is real and Virgos are the worst, scientists confirm

A RESEARCH team has concluded that astrology is real and Virgos are total arseholes to a man.

The bigger the engagement ring, the louder it tells men to piss off, reveal women

WOMEN have admitted they demand large diamond rings because they are an unignorable warning to annoying wankers trying to chat them up.

This beach was all tits before your generation and your bloody smartphones, father tells son

A FATHER disappointed at an Algarve beach without a single topless sunbather has placed the blame firmly on his son's prick generation and their phones.

We ask you: will you be going to a riot or the garden centre this weekend?

THE police are to remain on high alert this weekend due to the threat of further disorder. But will you be joining the race riots or heading to Dobbie’s instead?