The six most nightmarish weirdos in Tesco after 9pm

IF you’ve ever found yourself in a 24-hour Tesco, you may have been spooked by encountering the late-night shoppers that haunt the aisles. Here they are:

Wearing a mask on a cross-country journey: A fiendish interactive game

HAVE you got the slightest f**king clue when you’re expected to wear a mask after Monday? Take on the messy government rules in this fun interactive game.

The couple's guide to holiday-ruining arguments

GOING on holiday with your new-found freedom? Here’s how to have a bloody good row with your partner, as is traditional.

Age 23 fourth-hand Ford Ka, age 40 people-carrier: your life in your vehicles

GOT A car? Sure you do, and it’s broadcasting to everyone what stage of life you’re at with alarming accuracy. Here are the six cars of your life.

Six of your precocious middle-class child's talents that are costing you a f**king fortune

YOUR delicate flower has gifts that money can’t buy, but getting those talents to blossom carries a hefty price tag.

Pregnant woman planning all the fun stuff she'll do on maternity leave will soon f**king learn

A WOMAN who has been calling her upcoming maternity leave a 'year off' will soon be forced to face reality, friends have confirmed.

The only times a middle aged man should run

MIDDLE aged men are designed for sitting down. These are the only times when breaking into a run is acceptable:

They offer you instant coffee, and other ways to tell the in-laws think you're common

DO your in-laws think you’re too common for their beloved offspring? Here are some subtle ways they’ll let you know.

Shorts-wearing man reminded how splashy piss is

A MAN who has donned shorts for the summer months has been reminded how much urine spashes back from urinals and toilets.

Expectant couple find every baby name ruled out by some weird f**ker they know

A COUPLE expecting their first child have discovered every potential baby name has been ruined by some freaky bastard one of them has met.