THE Higgs boson has discussed its rollercoaster ride to fame and revealed exciting reality TV plans.
Within an hour of its CERN debut, the Higgs boson signed to physics-based ITV2 structured reality show The Only Way Is String Theory and released a ghost-written memoir Behind The Formulae: My Super-Collision With Fame.
Speaking at a press conference, the particle said: “I want to thank the CERN team, the entire field of theoretical physics and most of all my agent, Max Clifford.
“Also I want to give a special shout to the other types of particle who’ve been plugging away since the big bang, literally holding the fabric of the universe together.
“I’m particularly thinking about the photons and gravitons. Can I get a big hand in here for the photons and gravitrons?
“Yeah, show some love for those guys.”
Particle talent agent Tom Logan said: “Since Higgs boson became a media phenomenon, the rush is on to sign other small localised objects.
“A lot of smart money is on dilatons being the next breakthrough particle, even though currently they’re purely hypothetical. They just have a great vibe.
“Personally I’m holding out for majorons, the discovery of which could help us understand neutrino masses, which is sure to be a hit with the teen crowd.
Office worker Emma Bradford said: “Higgs boson is definitely the hottest of the particles. I bet he’s got amazing tiny abs.
“But apparently his discovery proves that I have mass. Does that mean I’m somehow fatter than yesterday?”