Higgs boson becomes first celebrity particle

THE Higgs boson has discussed its rollercoaster ride to fame and revealed exciting reality TV plans.

Within an hour of its CERN debut, the Higgs boson signed to physics-based ITV2 structured reality show The Only Way Is String Theory and released a ghost-written memoir Behind The Formulae: My Super-Collision With Fame.

Speaking at a press conference, the particle said: “I want to thank the CERN team, the entire field of theoretical physics and most of all my agent, Max Clifford.

“Also I want to give a special shout to the other types of particle who’ve been plugging away since the big bang, literally holding the fabric of the universe together.

“I’m particularly thinking about the photons and gravitons. Can I get a big hand in here for the photons and gravitrons?

“Yeah, show some love for those guys.”

Particle talent agent Tom Logan said: “Since Higgs boson became a media phenomenon, the rush is on to sign other small localised objects.

“A lot of smart money is on dilatons being the next breakthrough particle, even though currently they’re purely hypothetical. They just have a great vibe.

“Personally I’m holding out for majorons, the discovery of which could help us understand neutrino masses, which is sure to be a hit with the teen crowd.

Office worker Emma Bradford said: “Higgs boson is definitely the hottest of the particles. I bet he’s got amazing tiny abs.

“But apparently his discovery proves that I have mass. Does that mean I’m somehow fatter than yesterday?”

‘God particle’ does not believe in God

Scientists In Race To Discover Particle No-One Else Cares About

Die Mankind! Die! By Professor Henry Brubaker

Alcohol leads to pointless academic research

Dr Julian Cook’s science laboratory


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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
A surprise this week as Andy Murray, with just one challenge left in his match, challenges Vitali Klitschko for the heavyweight title.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You’ve always appreciated the gratitude of French midgets after your mum told you to be grateful for small mercies.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After your promise of a European referendum fails to distract everyone away from what a tramp’s bollock you’re making of everything, this week you come into work with a puppy.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Blue moon…you saw me standing alone…now can you please stop staring when I’m having a piss?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
People usually put on a croaky voice when they’re phoning in sick but not many employees bother to record a backing track of heartbeat monitors, respirators and somebody shouting “My god doctor, we’re losing him!”

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You can’t make something out of nothing. Not without adding an ‘e’, an ‘s’ and an ‘n’ squashed up next to the other one.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
While a lot of people have criticised 50 Shades Of Grey, you feel that it may finally break down some of the stigma and taboos of being somebody who’s into really badly-written fan fiction.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
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Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
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Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Sometimes a nice cup of tea can make everything better. Now, let me just find a couple of mugs without blood all over them.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After eating 100 Greggs steak bakes in under five minutes, it’s only at the last moment you remember what your cover story was for doing it and reluctantly phone the Guinness Book Of Records.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Gimme a ‘P’! Gimme a ‘s’! GImme a ‘y’! Gimme a ‘c’! Gimme a…hello? Are you still there?