Society

STEPHEN Fry? F**k off. These are the real national treasures of Britain, according to builder Wayne Hayes and the lads down the Portakabin.

OWNERS of second homes who hastily sold them in the belief that Rachel Reeves was planning to tax them have been left looking like total knobheads.

A LEARNER driver is handling the flat roads and unobstructed corners of his local industrial estate like a pro, he has confirmed.

A WOMAN has informed friends she is prioritising her mental wellbeing by setting boundaries of only doing what she enjoys.

GENTRIFICATION can seem, at times, inevitable and inescapable. An area is happily shit until Negroni-sipping twats in Foxtons minis turn up. But it will never happen in these locations.

THE awarding of an OBE to a horse that stood and watched cars go past is proof once and for all that Britain is sane and rational.

TO you they were friends and companions. To your parents, they were teachers of the brutal reality of mortality. This is how they died.

WORRIED that sending your kids to private school will be unaffordable with VAT on fees? Simply fake the whole thing - you’ll save a fortune, and it can be as ridiculously posh as you like!

THE perpetual question of whether any random space has hosted some level of sexual activity can always, without fail, be answered in the positive, it has emerged.