Politics

WHAT’S the use of a population that spends years sitting around doing f**k all? Here the Department for Work and Pensions explains the reasons behind the new age hike.

NADHIM Zahawi is happy to be investigated as long as the media do not discover his private island with his likeness carved into a cliff-face.

GAMMONS are thrilled that the government blocking the gender recognition bill has annoyed weirdos and put uppity Scots in their place simultaneously.

BORIS Johnson has seen how many books Prince Harry has sold and announced his tell-all memoir. It will skirt around these key areas.

SCOTLAND has chosen to pick rather an unusual fight with England, residents of both countries have agreed.

PROSPEROUS Southern towns are to be systematically run down to the same level as deprived ‘Red Wall’ Northern towns, it has been announced.

FORMER prime minister Boris Johnson is not only to be removed from Grant Shapps’ photos but from all recorded history.

RISHI Sunak says the reason he used a private jet for a 36-minute flight to Leeds is because someone has made the UK’s railways absolutely terrible.

ANY workers withdrawing labour when it is irreplaceable and urgently needed will be fired en masse, the great thinkers in government have decided.

THE prime minister has outlined his vision of a country where every man, woman and child is a maths-loving spod.