Politics

I STAND before you today in the House of Commons to confirm, once and for all, that I have got away with it.

THE government has confirmed that the Sue Gray report cannot be released until the novelisation of the movie of the adaptation of the stage musical is complete.

SUE Gray’s report on Downing Street parties might have to avoid reporting on Downing Street parties. But it can still talk about these things.

DEAR Donna, I can’t stop myself dressing like a builder. The moment I’m in trouble, which is a lot, I sneak off and put on my hi-viz and hard hat. Is this normal? 

CAN’T wait for Sue Gray’s report to drop? Get a taste of what it contains with this heavily-censored preview.

THE United Kingdom could soon be at war. And in wartime we need a strong, lying, blame-everyone-else leader with no moral backbone who cares only for himself.

THE police investigating Downing Street lockdown parties have been advised that the police guarding Downing Street might provide a few answers.

THANK you. I attended my birthday party in June 2020, but at no point did I realise I was attending my birthday party. Let me explain.

ACCUSED of holding parties, Islamophobia or murder? Simply order an inquiry into it then say you can’t discuss it because of the inquiry.

A MAN has awoken from a horrific nightmare in which he had f**ked up so badly the only person defending him was Nadine Dorries.