Politics

THE Metropolitan Police are ignoring the report calling them racist, misogynistic and homophobic because it was written by some daft f**king bird.

WE all need a laugh every now and again, like the guffaw I let out when seeing a Rwandan detention centre. These are my other go-to giggles.

THE government has put nurses, the NHS and the public through three months of entirely unnecessary inconvenience, it has confirmed.

JEREMY Hunt’s offer of free childcare is actually a ploy to shag every sexy mum in the UK, it has emerged.

TODAY is Jeremy Hunt’s first budget – but how will it affect ordinary families with children and mortgages, not bizarre childless singleton aberrations?

THE Conservative party and their client media are expected to take their absolute defeat by Gary Lineker on the chin and not bear any grudges.

THE sins of mankind, and in particular Tory voters, condemned the people. But one man was sent to suffer for their sins. I am Gary Lineker, your centrist Christ.

WRITING comedy is a rare skill and one I have mastered completely, as my speech about Labour and Gary Lineker proved. Follow my advice and you’ll be writing for Friends before you know it!

DID you vote for Brexit to stop immigration, only for immigration to go up? Is that your fault? Probably. So what else has gone the opposite way to your intentions?

‘STOP the boats’ is the Tories’ latest idiotically simple three-word phrase to try to reel in voters. These would be far more honest.