The government's six latest distractions from its piss-poor record

AS the UK records the worst death rates in Europe, the government has been keeping national morale up by diverting attention elsewhere. Here is some more nonsense to expect before too long.

Is your bullshit no longer working?

HAVE you been getting by on vague, waffling bullshit for years, but suddenly it’s not doing the trick?

Your guide to talking to ladies, by Matt Hancock

DEALING with the opposite sex is tricky, particularly if you get a bit shirty with a lady MP and everyone accuses you of being a sexist. Here’s how to strike the right ‘tone’ with the ladies.

How to twist the facts so you can still think the sun shines out of Boris's arse

BEGINNING to think the government has ballsed things up but refuse to admit Boris might not be the new Churchill? Here’s what to tell yourself.

Awaken me in 2170, says Rees-Mogg from family vault

JACOB Rees-Mogg has retired to the family vault to wait out the next 150 years until humanity has recovered enough to deserve him again.

Britain scores the highest death toll in Europe and still the whinging carpers have nothing positive to say, by Dominic Raab

IS it impossible for the Left to be positive? Are they so blinded by ideology they can’t recognise this government’s achievements?

Iain Duncan Smith’s bookshelf has 54 leather-bound volumes of Fiesta

THE bookshelf of Sir Iain Duncan Smith has a full run of British pornographic magazine Fiesta hand-bound in leather, photos have confirmed.

UK has contingency plan ready if Boris makes a good decision

THE government has confirmed they have contingency plans in place in case Boris Johnson begins making good decisions.

Lockdown may stay in place for months because we've f**ked this up, says Johnson

THE prime minister has warned that lockdown measures may remain in place for months because of how badly they have f**ked this up. 

Boris Johnson’s guide to baby names

IS Winston Zipwire Johnson too much? Here are some other names for my new son that will start him on the road to greatness.