Politics

A day in the life of Jacob Rees-Mogg, Crusader for Truth

MY liege, and England’s Lord, Boris Johnson is besieged by moral and intellectual pygmies. I must don my ancestral armour and joust for his honour. Follow me!

Parliament to vote on whether the carping scum electorate should get the f**k over it

MPs will get a vote on Thursday to decide whether Boris Johnson did a bad thing or the UK public are being whiny little snowflakes about a cake and should get over it.

If you won't accept my apology for shagging your best friend and emptying the joint account that's on you, man explains

A HUSBAND has told his wife that once he has offered a sincere, full-throated apology for shagging her best mate and spending their savings, he has done all he can.

Rwanda plan is pretty Old Testament to be fair, Archbishop told

SHIPPING asylum seekers to Rwanda sounds just like God’s antics in the first half of the Bible, believers have told the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Britain can only remember seven Tory scandals at any one time

THE UK has realised that it can only hold seven ongoing Tory scandals in its mind at once, so is forgetting at least another seven.

Death is sad blah blah blah but move on for f**k's sake: A letter from your local Tory MP

I KNOW you are a sentimental fool who feels sad your nan died of Covid and angry that Boris was at a party while it happened, but it was two years ago, so man up and get over it.

The confused person's guide to who - or what - Michael Fabricant is

MICHAEL Fabricant is in hot water after suggesting nurses and teachers would have drinks at work during the pandemic. If you’re only dimly aware of this strange Tory MP, here are all your questions answered.

Are you dense enough to believe Johnson will definitely resign this time?

BORIS Johnson has been giving a fixed penalty notice which should lead to his resignation, but are you dense enough to think it will actually happen? Take our quiz.

This isn't a fine, it's just a work-related letter, claims Johnson

BORIS Johnson is claiming a letter that is clearly a fine to any sane person is actually something entirely different and work-related.

We must heal the nation over Brexit now I look like a total idiot

BREXIT divided the nation, but now it is time to put aside our differences and work together. And stop saying things like ‘You’re a dick, Roy’. Because there’s not much I can say to that.