Politics

BRITAIN’S pensioners have agreed that nitrous oxide is worse than any other drug because it creates litter.

NINE years in power. And what have I got to show for it? Absolutely f**king f**k all.

CONFUSED as to why multi-millionaire Rishi Sunak pays proportionately less tax than you? Here the prime minister explains why this actually makes total sense.

YESTERDAY I saw a man of unimpeachable morals exonerated before a corrupt, petty court of liars. If you prefer that to actual reality, follow these tips.

PEOPLE often remark on my superb grasp of facts and skill in pursuing an argument. Which is why I must refute your claim that I was clearly humping someone else in our bed.

BORIS Johnson is to be wheeled in front of the select committee in a straitjacket on a gurney for the public's safety.

THE Metropolitan Police are ignoring the report calling them racist, misogynistic and homophobic because it was written by some daft f**king bird.

WE all need a laugh every now and again, like the guffaw I let out when seeing a Rwandan detention centre. These are my other go-to giggles.

THE government has put nurses, the NHS and the public through three months of entirely unnecessary inconvenience, it has confirmed.

JEREMY Hunt’s offer of free childcare is actually a ploy to shag every sexy mum in the UK, it has emerged.