Sport

Japan urged to drop this time difference nonsense until Olympics finished

JAPAN has been urged by the international community to drop this whole time difference bollocks until the end of the Olympic Games.

Man who knew Tom Daley at school taking partial credit

A MAN who went to school with Olympian Tom Daley had admitted he feels the diver’s first gold medal is in some small way his, too.

Man watching incomprehensible load of lycra-clad bullshit pretty sure it's the Olympics

A MAN watching lycra-clad people perform some physical bollocks according to impenetrable rules is pretty confident this must be the Olympics.

Man could be an Olympian if he was disciplined, good at sport, and 30 years younger

A MIDDLE-AGED man is convinced he could be an Olympic athlete if he was essentially a completely different person, it has emerged.

The five racists who've f**king ruined it

ENGLAND didn’t win, but the country really felt it had achieved something these past weeks only to be forcibly reminded it hadn’t. These bastards have ruined it.

14 times today when England fans will stare into the middle distance and mutter 'f**king hell'

GUTTED England fans will largely spend today listlessly doing menial tasks in between muttering ‘f**king hell’.

How we'll definitely win it, by a 19-year-old who never suffered the heartbreak of Euro 96

THE final? No chance we’ll muff it, says 19-year-old Ryan Whittaker, born six years after England ripped fans’ hearts out in 1996. Here he explains:

Chuck your pint at the ceiling: the twat's guide to watching footy in the pub

TONIGHT'S the night. Been lucky enough to snag a table down your local boozer? Here’s how to ruin it for everyone else.

Boris Johnson's England team talk

BORIS Johnson has popped in to give an impromptu, improvised, pig-ignorant talk to the England team. Here’s the transcript:

Scotland to have a bank holiday if England lose

SCOTLAND will be treated to an impromptu bank holiday this coming Monday if England are beaten by Italy, it has been confirmed.