Twat colleague comes to pub

OFFICE workers heading out to get pissed after finishing for Christmas are distraught that a tedious prick of a colleague has decided to join them.

Pint, fight, pint pint fight: How to have a traditional Black Eye Friday

IT’S the most aggressive day of the year, but how do you have a traditional Black Eye Friday that’s both violent and festive? Here’s a guide to this magical drunken event.

Mum buys sequinned outfit to wear to living room

A RETIRED mum has bought a brand-new shiny outfit for the grand occasion of sitting in her own living room.

We will transport you to your family or a family of equivalent value, promises Network Rail

NETWORK Rail has promised all rail passengers they will be taken to their family, or a family of equivalent value, before Christmas Eve.

UK starting to feel the pressure of crispy roast potatoes

WITH just three days until Christmas dinner, Britons are starting to crack under the pressure of being expected to make perfect crispy roast potatoes.

Everyone planning to set off a bit early for Christmas to avoid traffic

EVERY single person is planning to set off a day early for Christmas in order to avoid heavy traffic, it has emerged.

Sock fetishist absolutely gagging for horniest day of the year

A MAN with a sexual proclivity for socks is eagerly anticipating Christmas Day, which for him is the horniest 24 hours of the year.

How to f**king own your role in the school nativity. By Christian Bale

TOO many kids are happy with mediocre turns their school nativity. Here, Christian Bale explains how put in an Oscar-worthy performance in the role of sheep number three.

Man sending everyone dick pics this year

A MAN has informed all his female acquaintances that he will be sending out dick pics rather than Christmas cards this year.

Normal not to feel Christmassy when you're an adult

THE public has been reminded it is totally normal not to feel a magical, tingly feeling near Christmas if you are an adult.