News Briefly

Clegg 'left forgotten in pub for 15 minutes'

Distraught Camerons returned to find deputy PM choking on a piece of beef jerky.

Obama delivers inspiring speech about blowjobs

President captivates nation with emotionally-charged rhetoric about getting noshed off.

Ray Bradbury 'lived to see era when books and knowledge are treated with suspicion'

"He was really pleased to see his vision of the future come true," said deceased writer's daughter.

Venus confirms extra transit due to popular demand

Planet's management announces additional passing-in-front-of-sun in 50 years' time.

Jaguar owners voted most satisfied with themselves

British luxury car owners top smugness poll for 12th consecutive year.

'I'll give you my pasty when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers'

Ministers forced into humiliating climbdown by Britain's powerful pro-pasty lobby.

Murdoch to buy UK prison system just in case

Jails to gain stables, large tasteful private living areas.

Ulrika showing signs of age

Effects of Swedish weather lady's eventful life visible in recent appearance.

Temperature fluctuations suggest Earth undergoing menopause

Scientists advise everyone to be nice to planet, cut it some slack.

Private sector workers prepare for day of same old shit

Millions face another yet another eight unremarkable hours of utter tedium.