Arts & Entertainment

A ZELDA-PLAYING 16-year-old has constructed a wood-and-stone fire-ejaculating penis that is the most impressive in all Hyrule.

HEAVY metal and Satanism go together like virgins and drinking blood. But did artists really think it through when allying themselves with a powerful entity of pure evil? Possibly not.

THE English language has the largest vocabulary in the world, but the favourite words of demure Countdown lexicographer Susie Dent are the ones you'd least expect. Such as these:

INDIANA Jones is the age of your grandad and able to perform many of the same thrilling stunts. Marvel during Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny as he successfully picks up the dog’s ball.

COUNTLESS ropey old TV shows are now regarded as classics on the basis of a hot star or stars. Under no circumstances suggest that these were actually a bit shit.

This Morning presenters Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield are to marry, it has been confirmed.

THINK Transformers is harmless? The clue’s in the name. Here Roy Hobbs speaks for the increasing number of paranoid weirdos who think everyone’s trying to sexualise your kids.

PUTIN’S advisers have informed him that Russia swept to victory at last night’s Eurovision Song Contest despite being excluded from the competition.

AS the Eurovision Song Contest takes place in England’s far North, it falls to a sober, unbiased mentor to guide the nation through it. I am that gentleman.

ARE you dead to your partner because they’re glued to the new Zelda game? Get them to pay attention to you using these methods.