Celebrity

QUIRKY Scottish singing sensation Susan Boyle is set to be patronised all over the world, it emerged last night.

MADONNA yesterday told a Malawian court she was keen to adopt another small African as long as it was house trained and had received all its jabs.

MOTORSPORT boss Max Mosley has accused the press of stealing his dignity rather than the gang of whores he paid to thrash his quivering buttocks with a riding crop.

THE vicious feud between Piers Morgan and Jonathan Ross could be settled by a very straightforward fight to the death, it was claimed last night.

MICHAEL Jackson's London concerts will be his last public appearances before he is broken down into his constituent parts and auctioned off for scrap, it has been confirmed.

OSCAR winner Kate Winslet last night revealed she has been this unbearable since she was a little girl.

BATMAN last night urged lesbian superhero Batwoman to do it with Catwoman.

JEREMY Clarkson was factually correct, it was claimed last night. 

FILM fans were last night given a sneak preview of Christian Bale's worst American accent so far.

SIMON Cowell has told Kelly Brook she was dropped from Britain's Got Talent because she was just too pretty.