Celebrity

TOP Gear presenter James May is facing demolition after it emerged his parents did not apply for permission to build a twat.

STREET urchins Diversity are to be returned to the workhouse on half rations after humiliating their master in front of the prime minister.

JORDAN and Peter Andre were yesterday granted a 'quickie' interview and photoshoot deal with Okay! magazine.

CELEBRITY hell-hole Kerry Katona has told Iceland that snorting cocaine in a sticky nightclub sets a better example than working your way through the 60 piece deep-fried Oriental party plate.

PRINCE William's consort Kate Middleton is descended from monkeys and still shares 99% of her genetic material with chimps, it has been revealed.

RETIRED weather girl Ulrika Jonsson has been accused of bathing in the blood of virgins in a desperate bid to prevent chicken neck.

PRINCE Charming has been handed a 48-hour deadline to get to the Neverland Ranch and attempt to revive Michael Jackson.

THE Queen is demanding a 20% increase in the civil list so she can buy herself a really fancy new hat and refurbish some of her old ones.

MICHAEL Jackson was a black man, it was claimed last night.

THE white matter visible in Lily Allen's left nostril in a recent paparazzi photograph is a tiny snowman made by a family of gnomes who live up her nose, it was claimed last night.