Celebrity

LINDSAY Lohan has been assured that jail will be reminiscent of her 2004 hit film Mean Girls but with a lot more large, aggressive bull-dykes who want to use her for sport.

ATHEISTS claimed victory last night after the church which hosted Jordan's marriage blessing failed to burst into flames.

EVERYONE who has watched the Kerry Katona sex tape has died mysteriously within a week, it was claimed yesterday.

MODEL and TV presenter Alexa Chung is to become the face of boiled pigs' intestines, it was announced last night.

THE Queen is to put some balls in her mouth for the first time in more than 50 years, Buckingham Palace has confirmed.

BRITAIN was last night trying desperately not to think about what Katie Price branded perfume actually smells like.

A NEW 24-hour telephone helpline has been launched to fill the gaps in Britain's rolling Christine Bleakley requirements.

THOUSANDS of television viewers still believe that Cheryl Cole is not a special effect created in a damp bedroom, it emerged last night.

VICTORIA Beckham has been fitted with the brain of an alcoholic physics genius, it has been confirmed.

BRITNEY Spears is to be frozen in a tube until pop standards decline sufficiently for her to relaunch her career, it was confirmed last night.