Food

CHOOSING the suitable venue for a meal with friends means carefully balancing location, menu and price until everyone is equally pissed off. Follow these tips.

A DINER at a restaurant will do whatever it takes to be the waiter’s favourite customer of all time, his girlfriend has confirmed.

A WOMAN keen not to appear greedy on a first date does not give a shit about inhaling a massive pudding by the third, she has confirmed.

A MIX of cloud, rain, heat and occasional sunshine has left the whole of Northern England with no clear plan for its tea.

TODAY’S kids, in addition to their bloody phones, can pick any f**king flavour ice-cream they want. When you were a child these were the options.

THE actual summer, with the sun and its heat, is nearly here which means delicious, healthy salads – or so Big Salad wants you to believe. This is the unpalatable truth.

A TEENAGER’S trademark recipe is two slices of white bread expertly cooked in a toaster, he has boasted.

FOOD is fuel, and anyone who talks pretentious bollocks about it is a con artist. ‘The sea bass goujons are sublime.’ Piss off. They’re just up-themselves fish fingers.