Man pleasantly surprised when ice lolly emerges from glory hole

A HOT, sweating man at a glory hole was genuinely thrilled to see an ice-cold Fruit Pastilles lolly poked through.

Artisan loaf too oddly shaped to make sandwiches

A MAN is unable to make a sandwich after discovering that the handcrafted sourdough loaf he bought is too weird a shape to cut into decent slices.

Windmill your cock: How to finally attract the attention of a waiter

YOUR polite hand gestures and meek eye contact are never going to get your food ordered. Time to take drastic action, like this.

Dessert menus with no chocolate items can f**k off, confirm Britons

DESSERT menus that do not include any chocolate-based offerings have been sternly told where to go by the British public.

Horse faced posho or Red Wall Tory? Rate your social class by how long you leave your teabag in

WHETHER it is high tea at Claridges or low tea in some ghastly greasy spoon, tea is the measure of how you rank in Britain. What does the length you leave your bag in say about how refined, or otherwise, you are?

Woman mistakes her list of allergies for interesting personality

A WOMAN erroneously believes her various food allergies are evidence of what a truly fascinating character she has.

'We don't take bookings and you have to share a table': Why are restaurants struggling?

RESTAURANTS are closing down in vast numbers. Is it because people are struggling with the cost of living or because eateries do these f**king annoying things?

Man clearly making up his big shop as he goes

A MAN idly pushing his trolley round Morrisons and chucking in anything that catches his eye is clearly making up his big shop as he goes.

Man who thought he could buy dinner at local corner shop being proved very wrong

A MAN who popped into his local corner shop looking for fresh, nutritious food is realising what a f**king stupid idea it was.

All milkshakes now a f**king fiver

THE standard price for a milkshake, regardless of size or quality, is now five f**king pounds.