Artisan bollocks and wall-to-wall f**king fudge: The gammon food critic visits a food festival

FOOD is fuel, and anyone who talks pretentious bollocks about it is a con artist. ‘The sea bass goujons are sublime.’ Piss off. They’re just up-themselves fish fingers.

Scotch eggs, and other British foods that leave Americans traumatised

AMERICA is apparently the land of the free and home of the brave. But even they can't pluck up the courage to enjoy classic British food, like this.

Chicken wings, pomegranates, and other food too insubstantial to be worth the f**king effort

SOME so-called foods yield so little nutritional reward for the painstaking effort of eating them that they're better off in the bin. Like these pathetic examples.

Gelato just ice cream for wankers, study finds

A NEW study has found there are no substantial differences between ice cream and gelato other than the latter is consumed by knobheads.

Woman left with trust issues after taking chance on new takeaway

A WOMAN who decided to vary her Friday night routine by trying a new takeaway fears she will never learn to trust again.

Deliveroo cyclist's wages docked for stopping at red light

A DELIVEROO cyclist has had his wages docked as punishment for stopping at a red light, it has emerged.

The second-last temptation of Christ was banoffee pie

JESUS has confirmed that his last temptation was to escape sacrifice, live as an ordinary man and raise a family, but the temptation previous to that was banoffee pie.

Papa John's, and other chains with too much American bollocks for Britain

PIZZA chain Papa John’s is closing a tenth of its outlets in the UK, and the twee American name must surely have something to do with it. Here are some more with too much colonial nonsense.