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Food

Sticky Teriyaki, and other vile crisp flavours brought to us by so-called progress

THERE are but three true flavours of crisp: ready salted, salt & vinegar and cheese & onion. Yet capitalism has foisted these monstrosities upon us.

Heatwave provides excuse to eat f**k-off chunk of ice cream on a stick

THE heatwave sweeping England and Wales has given everyone an excellent excuse to eat a huge block of chocolate-coated ice cream on a wooden stick.

Shortages of what foods exactly? asks Britain

THE UK is demanding farmers detail exactly which foods might run low before panicking, because it might just be healthy stuff.

The girlfriend's guide to massively overcomplicating a takeaway order

A TAKEAWAY is the convenient and easy option. Until certain girlfriends decide to turn the process into a gruelling ordeal. Here's how.

World's first heterosexual lolly launched

ICE lolly manufacturers have responded to demand for a product that in no way resembles a cock.

Britain experiences first documented case of barbecue fatigue

A HOSPITAL has admitted the first-ever British man suffering from a debilitating sickness of barbecuing every bloody weekend.

Idiot Britons theorise that cake must be better if bought from a shed

CREDULOUS cretins throughout the UK have managed to convince themselves that shed cake will taste much nicer than normal cake.

Gelato: it's just f**king ice-cream, isn't it

ACROSS upscale heatwave Britain, gelato is being served to middle-class families who consider themselves above ice-cream. But is it just ice-cream? Yes.

Dad adds pizza oven to outdoor cooking wank bank

A MAN who already has a top of the range barbecue is giving a new outdoor cooking appliance the eye while lasciviously licking his lips.

Six ways poncey London shops justify charging £15 for a sandwich

SANDWICH inflation has hit the capital, with independent shops and affluent customers each listing extremely valid mitigating factors as to why that’s okay.