Food

THE perfect cup of tea is only achieved by a gentleman ejaculating into it, an American scientist has claimed.

A NEW study of veganism has discovered that adherents of plant-based diets do not discuss them when restricted to only other vegans for company.

A PLATE of triangular crisps covered in cheese and jalapenos does not constitute a full and satisfying meal, it has been confirmed.

A MUM was furious to learn her kids preferred the unhealthy concoctions her husband came up with to her lovingly prepared meals when she was away for two days.

FATHERS have confirmed that they are excitedly searching for new things to air fry. 

PISSED off after putting your hand in the Celebrations tub only to find empty wrappers and Bountys left? You'll have experienced these other minor Christmas hostilities too:

BEFORE now and New Year, nothing healthier than the dubiously fruity insides of a mince pie will pass your lips. Here are your new five-a-day.

EVERY effort you have made for Christmas has been entirely wasted because you forgot to warm the plates, your grandfather has confirmed.

AFTER ploughing a mere fraction of the sweets she unwrapped this morning, a seven-year-old is experiencing a monumental sugar rush long before the sun comes up.

MEAT-eaters usually grudgingly respect veggies’ healthy, ethical lifestyle choice. But not the ones with extremely arbitrary ‘rules’ they think it’s fine to break. Such as these.