Heaven is a massive slab of meat off a cow's arse: The gammon food critic visits a steakhouse

YOU know those massive methane farts cows stand around pumping out all day, destroying the ozone layer? They'll soon stop once they're dead and under the grill. You won't see that in our woke vegan media.

Woman refuses to acknowledge 'packet' as suitable unit of crisps

A RADICAL non-conformist has asserted that she, and not the arbitrary weight proscribed by a packet, decides when she has had enough crisps.

Woman on date pretending she can't finish pizza

A WOMAN on a first date is maintaining a pretence that eating an entire pizza is far too much for a delicate girl like her.

Six branded foods that are better than the cheap version whatever tight bastards say

SOME foods are worth the 15p price difference which separates the delicious from the inedible. Here are the ones whose cheapo version can never match up.

Englishman at Burns Night thought it was about dubious meat boiled in an intestine, not bloody poetry

AN English newcomer to Burns Night believed it was some sort of eating contest for offal and mushy vegetables, not an annual celebration of a national hero.

Perfect cup of tea has a wank in it

THE perfect cup of tea is only achieved by a gentleman ejaculating into it, an American scientist has claimed.

Vegans don't talk about it all the time when it's just them

A NEW study of veganism has discovered that adherents of plant-based diets do not discuss them when restricted to only other vegans for company.

Nachos not a meal

A PLATE of triangular crisps covered in cheese and jalapenos does not constitute a full and satisfying meal, it has been confirmed.