Food

BRITISH food has always had a bad reputation, but at least it wasn't this social media-fuelled bollocks you could easily live without.

A FIRST YEAR student is discovering that the freedom he always longed for tastes like eating the same meal every f**king day.

A CAFÉ has pledged to stop faffing around with coffee and instead offer everyone a bump of speed cut with a powerful laxative.

HUNGRY? Make sure you've got a medicine cupboard full of Gaviscon before diving into one of these reflux-inducing treats.

NOT a single person in a restaurant who is sharing plates wants to be doing so, it has been confirmed.

SCIENTISTS have found compelling evidence that anyone making pizza at home is deranged and needs urgent psychiatric help.

A MAN asked by his girlfriend if he was hungry has failed to give the right answer, leaving her unable to get a snack without looking like a greedy bitch.

RED Bull have unveiled their strongest energy drink which contains enough caffeine to instantly bring on a panic attack.

POSH food festivalgoers are cutting loose this weekend with overpriced olive oil and artisan local cheeses rather than pills or alcohol.

A MAN with a ridiculously high opinion of himself puts his Asda microwaveable chicken lasagne in the oven, claiming it “tastes nicer”.