Food

WHETHER it is high tea at Claridges or low tea in some ghastly greasy spoon, tea is the measure of how you rank in Britain. What does the length you leave your bag in say about how refined, or otherwise, you are?

A WOMAN erroneously believes her various food allergies are evidence of what a truly fascinating character she has.

RESTAURANTS are closing down in vast numbers. Is it because people are struggling with the cost of living or because eateries do these f**king annoying things?

A MAN idly pushing his trolley round Morrisons and chucking in anything that catches his eye is clearly making up his big shop as he goes.

A MAN who popped into his local corner shop looking for fresh, nutritious food is realising what a f**king stupid idea it was.

THE standard price for a milkshake, regardless of size or quality, is now five f**king pounds.

A VEGETARIAN sharing platter offered by a pub in Huddersfield consists entirely of chips, it has emerged.

A MOTHER hosting a playdate has affronted the community by serving children a meal other than pizza, leaving them ‘traumatised’.

STUDIES warn that ultra-processed foods will take years off your life expectancy, to which Britons have responded by opening a packet of Hob-Nobs.

SALADS are a fun and tasty choice for lunch so long as there is a main course of proper food immediately afterwards, it has been confirmed.