Food

IT IS 1pm on Christmas Day and there are only shit chocolates left, the nation has confirmed.

BOUGHT shitloads of food in to make sure you're covered for two f**king days? Chances are you'll be emptying half this perishable shit in the bin by Wednesday.

ARE you unsure whether you’d shag posh celebrity chef Nigella Lawson or posh celebrity chef Ella Woodward? Let’s try to resolve this improbable sexual dilemma.

JAMIE Oliver has used his new Christmas special to advise giving Brussels sprouts and tired old turkey a bit of pizzazz with a touch of gold leaf.

IT'S dinnertime again and there’s not a single f**king thing in the fridge you want to eat. Here’s why.

A WOMAN has been found who has no specific dietary requirements, scientists have confirmed.

AN angry middle-aged man is under the impression food allergies are a voluntary choice made by snowflakes, it has emerged.

WHY did your grandparents make you eat fig rolls when Party Rings were available? Did they realise rationing had ended when they bought these?

HAVE you been disappointed by a meal out but lack the balls to complain? Here’s your guide to indirectly making your feelings known in a feeble British way. 

YOUR local chip shop is now offering customers the chance to pay for their fish supper in interest-free instalments, it has confirmed.