Widower Leaves Fortune To Pert, Young Watermelon

A 75 year-old widower from Suffolk is believed to be the first man in the UK to leave his entire estate to a watermelon.

Retired company director Denys Hatton died of heart failure in May, just two months after buying the watermelon and moving it into his five bedroom home in the quiet village of Framsden.

Despite protests from relatives, he changed his will leaving the house, a 25ft sailing boat and £750,000 in cash to the hefty Spanish fruit.

Mr Hatton's granddaughter, Elaine Watson, said: "He read something in the Daily Mail about how to improve your sex life.

"He phoned me up and said 'meet me at Waitrose in half an hour, I want you to help me choose a watermelon'.

"Once we'd got it home he went straight into the kitchen, picked up a sharp knife and a spoon and disappeared upstairs.

"I then heard a lot of whispering followed, a few minutes later, by him shouting 'thar she blows!'.

"He came back down stairs with a huge smile on his face and said, 'I've decided to call it Susan. Whether you want to call it grandma is entirely up to you'."

Mrs Watson said her grandfather quickly became infatuated, introducing the 3kg fruit to his friends at the golf club and planning a summer trip to Provence.

She added: "I kept telling him, 'Grandad you're supposed to eat the watermelon'.

"I've got nothing against her personally, I think she's a lovely piece of fruit, but she did take advantage of a vulnerable old man."

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Alcohol To Carry 'Shitfaced' Warning

BOTTLES and cans of alcohol are to carry labels warning consumers they could end up shitfaced.

The move comes as figures reveal a massive 1.3% of the UK population are unable to handle a night on the sauce.

Other measures include allowing health secretary Alan Johnson to set the price of Drambuie as well as a ban on clinking glasses and saying 'cheers'.

From next April pubs and bars will also be required to serve a bag of vomit with every other pint or large glass of wine.

The Department of Health said it considered a range of messages including  'Monkey Juice', 'Puke-Tastic' and the hard-hitting 'You Die Now!'.

A spokesman added: "There are many different ways of communicating the message, but we reckon 'shitfaced' pretty much does the business.

"We don't want to stop people from having a good time – well, we do – but we don't want to get all arsey about it just yet.

"If 'shitfaced' doesn't work we will legislate to ensure all alcohol bottles carry a special magic mirror that will show you what you look like when you're dead."

Meanwhile ministers are expected to publish research next week which suggests drinking alcohol around other people can give them lung cancer.