Society

A GIRLFRIEND is confident that TV programmes only provide the basis for a long ongoing conversation while they continue in the background.

A MAN who spent his school days drawing penises on textbooks believes children would benefit from being taught about Britain's tax system.

A WOMAN has confirmed that she is not leaving her home until March and that nothing and nobody can stop her.

A WOMAN wearing a brightly-coloured lipstick has given up drinking fluids so as not to ruin it, it has emerged.

The British way of life is under attack. Poppy sellers are being assaulted. The Home Secretary is being forced out of office for speaking up for the silent majority, nevermind all that nonsense about breaking ministerial codes.

YOUR mum believes James Cleverly is too bearded to be foreign secretary and should resign. These men also should be ashamed of their hirsuteness.

A WOMAN has solemnly pinned a poppy to the strap of her sexy lace padded plunge bra, it has emerged.

A PRETENTIOUS area of a regular town has decided to rebrand itself as a village.

A FORD Transit has donned an enormous red poppy on its front grill to commemorate the British cargo vehicles lost in war.

A TEENAGE couple on a date at Nando’s have decided the correct amount to tip their waitress for their meal is 40p.