Politics

REGRETTABLY and for no apparent reason, I have split up with my wife Sarah Vine. So here’s how I plan to get back in the dating game and take a beauty home every night.

THE prime minister has announced that the electorate of Batley and Spen can orally pleasure him after last night’s by-election result. 

CONFUSED about why the Batley and Spen by-election is so controversial and why there are so many wankers involved? Read our Q&A.

A BREXITER hopes to hear no more foolishness about the wisdom of leaving the EU after last night’s England game.

SAJID Javid is unable to look at that part of his new office without almost vomiting, he has confirmed.

MATT Hancock has taunted his former boss by calling him from the bed he shares with his new girlfriend while not handling a pandemic.

HAVE you seen the Matt Hancock photo? Feel tainted? Worried you’ll never find the idea of sexual intercourse appealing again? Cleanse your soul with these tips:

MANY new problems with Brexit have emerged recently. Here chipper Leave voter Roy Hobbs explains why the plainly catastrophic is somehow great news for Britain.

DURING the past 16 months, health secretary Matt Hancock has been tirelessly protecting public health while getting his dick wet. Here’s how it went down: 

FOOTBALL will only be able to return to its country of origin if guaranteed a highly-skilled job worth £47,110 a year, the home secretary has confirmed.