Your astrological week ahead for April 6th, with Psychic Bob

You hate the taste of mint humbugs, but you eat them because they look like baby tapirs. And those fuckers should know their place.

Stamps at half-mast

POSTAGE stamps with the Queen’s face on them have been lowered to half-mast as a mark of respect.

Liking indie music, and other things today's teenagers think they invented

NOBODY has ever been like today’s teenagers, the first generation to be young who will stay cool and happening forvever. Here are their incredible discoveries.

Woman making it sound as if she worked for her inheritance

A WELL-OFF woman is making it sound as if she worked hard to inherit a generous cash sum from her grandparents.

Every female organism on earth to get divorced after hearing new Adele song

EVERY human woman, female mammal, insect, fish and multi-cellular organism on the planet is to split with its partner after hearing Adele’s new single.

How to fast-track your way to being a cycling knobhead

WITH sales of bikes and the ridiculous paraphernalia that comes with them at a record high, here’s how to become an absolute knob about your new cycling obsession.

You’re all really bad at this, says Nadal

RAFAEL Nadal has accused his fellow tennis players of being pathetically bad at playing on clay.

Five crucial coronavirus rules to follow when hopelessly pissed down the pub

OUT for a swift one? Staying out for nine more? Here are the five crucial rules to obey so you can slur ‘I swear I’ve remained within public health guidelines’ when you stagger in.

The, er, Boris, er, Johnson, er, guide to, er, PMQs

SOME have claimed my recent appearances at Prime Minister’s Questions have been waffly and, er, hesitant. What utter rot. Here’s how I triumph every time.  

How to make going outside a living hell for other people

CONVINCED yourself you need to pop out for some half-baked reason? Here’s how to make it a living hell for others.