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You hate the taste of mint humbugs, but you eat them because they look like baby tapirs. And those fuckers should know their place.

POSTAGE stamps with the Queen’s face on them have been lowered to half-mast as a mark of respect.

NOBODY has ever been like today’s teenagers, the first generation to be young who will stay cool and happening forvever. Here are their incredible discoveries.

A WELL-OFF woman is making it sound as if she worked hard to inherit a generous cash sum from her grandparents.

EVERY human woman, female mammal, insect, fish and multi-cellular organism on the planet is to split with its partner after hearing Adele’s new single.

WITH sales of bikes and the ridiculous paraphernalia that comes with them at a record high, here’s how to become an absolute knob about your new cycling obsession.

RAFAEL Nadal has accused his fellow tennis players of being pathetically bad at playing on clay.

OUT for a swift one? Staying out for nine more? Here are the five crucial rules to obey so you can slur ‘I swear I’ve remained within public health guidelines’ when you stagger in.

SOME have claimed my recent appearances at Prime Minister’s Questions have been waffly and, er, hesitant. What utter rot. Here’s how I triumph every time.  

CONVINCED yourself you need to pop out for some half-baked reason? Here’s how to make it a living hell for others.