Horoscopes

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) This week will  consist mostly of complaining vociferously about press intrusion into personal lives whilst privately wanking yourself soppy over the photos.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)Kids do say the funniest things, but mostly they say annoying, repetitive shit.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)The local council officer asks you take take down the bunting and the trestle tables for the street party after realising it was to celebrate the 74th birthday of Saddam Hussein.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) You're right, George. You know what was missing when the Queen married Prince Philip? A stoned Frankie Laine doing a cover of Leaning On A Lamppost.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Bundling the defenceless wives of an already-marginalised minority whose extremist wing have a penchant for blowing things up into the back of a police van? Clever stuff.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Your upbeat attitude, positive outlook and unquenchable optimism prove that you obviously haven't been paying attention.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Who's y...really? Well this is a tad awkward.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Your reputation for being a wise leader is further undermined this week when you assume that Britain and America would not dare to get embroiled in an unwinnable war that goes on forever.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR) Your workmates are unimpressed when they have a charity collection for Japan and you refuse on the grounds that Mick Karn was a poor man's Simon Le Bon.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR) I hate doing Pisces. It always has to be about you, doesn't it? But what about me, eh? WHAT ABOUT ME?