Horoscopes

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Why not finally ruin the promise of your early directorial career by releasing what appears to be a big-budget remake of Mortal Kombat with the word 'Bender' in the title?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair. 'Pearl necklace' my giddy arse.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Success in the Dragon's Den as you secure £500,000 worth of investment in your machine that fires snakes at Duncan Bannatyne.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL) So no-one told you life was gonna be this way. Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA. Good.

Psychic Bob Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)If you love somebody, set them free. Stockholm Syndrome is a wonderful thing.

Psychic Bob Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)Enough is enough. Jeremy Bowen must reinstate his moustache.

Psychic Bob Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL) In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree? Because Olivia Newton John completely fails to mention it.

Psychic Bob Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL) If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen, take your top off and then get back in the kitchen and cook my fucking dinner.

Psychic BobGemini (21 MAY-20 JUN) An awkward moment this week when you see your ex on the arm of somebody who looks remarkably like you. Except he's got hair and teeth.

Psychic BobGemini (21 MAY-20 JUN) Your new girlfriend is quiet and unassuming, maybe slightly aloof, as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. And of course, butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, what with you keeping her in the freezer.