Horoscopes

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC) My momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. Mind you, she also said that One Direction were just like the Velvet Underground.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV) Your blind date describes herself as 'warm, bubbly and lots of fun' which either means she's overweight or she's a jacuzzi.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The great thing about the Kindle is that people on the bus can’t judge you based on what you’re reading and you can concentrate on what happens after the dog runs after the red ball.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV) Time to break out the nice wine glasses as you find a bottle of Asti in the park that you're almost certain hasn't been filled with urine.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV) It's okay, mine humps people's legs too. So was yours born like that or did the midwife drop it on its head?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) They say that 'comedy is tragedy plus distance' so why did nobody laugh when you prodded that grieving widow with a blackboard ruler?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) This week you regret telling the landlord that you would do 'anything' to have your bar tab cleared while licking your lips seductively as you find yourself sucking petrol out of the cars in the pub carpark for his BMW.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) This week you learn that the difference between a strip club and a burlesque show is a juggler, an air of smugness and an extra £20 to get in. No chance of an oily tug for an extra 50, either.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)At the third stroke, your life will enter a far deeper phase of utter meaninglessness. Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeep.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) This week you phone your broadband provider to ask if they do a 'Masturbating Music Thief' package.