Horoscopes

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR) This week, convince colleagues that you're actually playing air-accordion rather than wafting away a hefty bout of guffing.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR) Spice up your love life by trying something different this week, like running it under a tap once in a while, for Christ's sake.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) An interesting eight seconds later this week as the last few moments of your life are spent realising that your entire journalistic career has been spent making an already dreadful world marginally worse with your pinch-mouthed hateful rambling.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) When renegotiating your phone contract this week, rather than going for one with loads of free texts get the one that's covered in cyanide.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) If you need a hobby why not dress as an old man, hang around weddings and tell the groom you're him from the future and you've come to warn him about the terrible consequences of going through with the ceremony?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Climbing up on Solsbury Hill, I could see the city lights. Wind was blowing, time stood still, eagle flew out of the night. A great evening of dogging lay ahead.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) You've not been yourself recently, which explains why people can finally bear to be in the same room as you.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) Frighten old ladies on the bus this week by passing them a note that says 'rumpy pumpy'.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) Really drunk, you say? At the New Year's Eve party you went to? Crikey. You must tell me everything.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) Silence around the Christmas dinner table as your uncle says he hasn't seen that much meat stuffed up the same bird since he was in Bangkok with the Merchant Navy.