Horoscopes

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Those Sky Q adverts are great, really eye-catching and memorable. You’re definitely going to get Sky Q the minute they explain what the f**k it is.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) These Friends gifs everyone’s sharing are incredible! They really should put a bunch of them together, add sound and show them on TV. 

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) Your fitness regime is going well as you manage to do 5k before work on Thursday, 'k' standing for 'KitKats'.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) On Saturday you reveal that you’re so hipster, you call London 'Londinium'.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Next week you will pre-order the new iPhone. Repeat this horoscope every 12 months until you die.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) It’s a great week for you financially, because you were born with money. 

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) It’s a bull market, which is to say you’re the victim of people trafficking. 

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) After solving the mysterious labyrinth, outsmarting the cunning wizard and vanquishing the Diamond Griffin, you manage to get through to somebody in customer services at your council.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) This week, you finally realise who you'd be in a zombie apocalypse, and it's third zombie from the left with pulled-off arm. 

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) While you'd consider yourself more a dog person than a cat person, either will do if you're hungry enough.