Horoscopes

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) It occurs to you that if everybody were cremated, the zombie apocalypse would just be a really insistent sandstorm.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) This week you get six numbers in the Health Lottery and win a kidney.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) Remember, bad dreams aren't real, they're just your subconscious sketching out scenarios that have every chance of occurring in the near future.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) On Tuesday you’ll be marking eight years of sobriety. It’s been spread over 25 years of piss-artistry, but still.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) This week you discover that Cab Calloway's career was ended by the arrival of Uber Calloway.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Your life is uncanny – i.e. something a Geordie wouldn't like.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) You’re a massive science fiction fan but even you will admit the new Terminator Genisys trailer looks abismal.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) You can tell if somebody likes butter by putting a buttercup under their chin but you're no longer allowed to see if people like the moon.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) To mark Nigel Farage's candidacy in next year's election you're releasing a rap album called Fear Of A Black Thanet.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Disappointing news that inflation is up. Treating yourself to that Snickers bar will have to wait until the economy stabilises.