Horoscopes

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) This is the week when every gamble will pay off. Actually, no, that was last week.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) If you have one fault, it's that you're a perfectionite.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) No word yet from the Secret Escapes website on how they can get your sister out of her seven-stretch in Holloway.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) On an autumn night there's nothing nicer than curling up on the sofa with a good book. So why spoil things by trying to actually read it?

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) This Saturday you have a fight in the lift of The Shard. Things escalate quickly.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Your application to the Elite Singles website is turned down when you try to pay the registration fee in Nectar points.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) People say you're like Marmite – a lot of them want to stick a knife in you.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) For this year's 'talk like a pirate' day you threaten to shoot Tom Hanks.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Withdraw any money you have in a Scottish bank. They'll only spend it on vodka.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) Your first day as a vicar on Monday will be a baptism of fire. As a result it will be your last day, too.