Horoscopes

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) With the nights starting to draw in, you'll be able to spend more and more time lurking in your neighbour's hedge undetected.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) Waking up with a cat sat on your chest staring at you can be disconcerting enough but especially when you don't own a cat and it's a puma.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) They say that owners end up like their dog and sure enough, three years after your neighbour's dog died, so has he.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) Remember, there is no such thing as a stupid question, unless it's a stupid thing, asked about a stupid subject asked by a stupid person, stupidly.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Given that the Fire Brigade puts out fires, surely the PC Brigade would put out political correctness? 

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) This week you'll be unable to shake the image of Andy Burnham taking off his eyebrows at night and putting them in a little silver case.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) YOU never feel entirely comfortable leaving a music gig. It's disconcerting.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You will be left confusing after seeing a guide dog licking its balls while wearing a tabard saying 'Don't disturb me, I'm working'.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) This week, why not convince a colleague that Hanson's single MMMBop is about somebody punching a meditating Buddhist monk?

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) And when you get that feeling, you want sexual healing. 'That feeling' being a burning sensation when you urinate.